Saying Goodbye
It has been some time since I’ve posted one of my reflections on the Search and Call process… in part because at this stage of my process, I’m clearly in need of more hours in a day and days in a week.
So as I prepare for my final days with the incredible people of Newman UCC, I thought I would share another reflection on what may clearly be the most difficult aspect of the Search and Call process… Saying Goodbye.
As faith leaders, we are in a unique situation in our role with those whom we have been called to serve. We are invited into some of the most sacred moments in the lives of others, offered the opportunity to form and nurture incredibly deep relationships. We are given a glimpse into aspects of the lives of others that at times are shared only with us.
As faith leaders, we are called to walk a very thin line between pastoral presence and friend. So when the decision has been made to leave a ministry setting, it is no wonder that emotions run very high for us and for those whom we have served.
And when it comes time to say goodbye… well, let’s just say that some of those emotions and the overall anxiety felt within the community can easily get amplified.
The actual moment of saying goodbye is perhaps the most unsettling part of this entire process. And there is an aspect of it for faith leaders in the United Church of Christ that is at best, debated… and at worst, misunderstood.
So… imagine that I’m ripping off a big band-aid with this next line, just to get it out there and then we can discuss it.
When a faith leader leaves a ministry setting, they cut all ties with the community they have served.
No more visits.
No more phone calls.
No emails, text messages, social media interactions.
No returning for baptisms/weddings/funerals.
All communication; All relationships cease.
And that, my friends, is the suckiest part of this entire process!
After all of the time invested in cultivating deep, meaningful relationships, this goodbye severs them instantly… leaving members of the faith community without a pastoral leader (at least for a period of time).
So it is no surprise as the final goodbye approaches that many questions are raised. I’ll address some of them here. And know that these responses are my own… based on my understanding of the United Church of Christ’s Ordained Minister’s Code where it states:
“Relying on the grace of God, I covenant with my ministry setting to neither interfere with nor intrude upon the ministry of my successor, upon my departure from a ministry setting…”
By ceasing to be in communication and relationship with those of the faith community I am leaving, it ensures that I will not stand as a barrier for my successor in their developing and nurturing relationships with those in the community to which they are called. And yet, even the suggestion of such a transition tends to raise a lot of questions for those in the faith community.
Let me share with you some of the questions I have heard (and please note, my specific situation has me moving from one faith community to another within the same Conference… only 45 minutes away):
- “Will we still be ‘friends’ on Facebook?”
No. I will be “unfriending” anyone from my current ministry setting. And though I will not be blocking their profiles, and occasionally still seeing the content they post, I will no longer be engaging with it.
- “Can I come worship with you in your new setting?”
Though I cannot tell you not to, I will remind you that you already have a faith community… and it is with that community that you have made a covenant. If you show up for worship in my new setting, I will welcome you… and suggest that this be the only time you join with us.
- “Can I be part of the online worshiping community at your new setting?”
Again, though I cannot tell you not to… please see my previous response.
- “If I see you in the community, will you speak to me?”
Absolutely! It will be wonderful to see you. However, we just won’t talk about “churchy stuff.” And this also goes for anytime we happen to be attending the same Conference events.
- “How long do I have to wait to “re-Friend” you on Facebook?”
Though there is no written guideline for this specifically… know that I will probably not “re-Friend” anyone from my previous ministry setting. And actually… all of my social media content is public so we don’t have to be “Friends” for you to see it. Just know that if you interact with my social media posts… I won’t be engaging as I have done in the past.
- “Can I ask the next faith leader to invite you back for a baptism/wedding/funeral?”
Though I cannot stop you from asking… I will tell you that my response will always be “no.” Your next faith leader will be your pastor. I have been honored to fill that role for these past years. And I trust that my successor will be just as honored once you let them cultivate relationship with you as we have done. And though I will not return for baptisms/weddings/funerals… I do hope I would receive an invitation to return for the church’s 400th Anniversary… in 21 years. I will look forward to seeing you then!
- “What if I don’t like the next faith leader?”
Get to know them. Let them get to know you. Trust in the work that the Search Committee has done in discerning who it is that God is calling to lead in this next chapter of the faith community’s life. And know that it is just as challenging for the incoming faith leader. Give them a chance… and remember, it is the community with which you have made a covenant. Pastors come and go… the community remains.
- “Will you miss us?”
Oh, hell yes! I love you all! You have become an integral part of my life and the life of my family. Of course I will miss you. And each time I feel that tinge of sadness I will give God thanks for the time we have had together and the many ways you, as a community, have helped me to grow. I will miss you dearly!
God has brought together faith leader and faith community for a period of time. And during that time, all have shared in some of the most wonderful, most challenging, most rewarding moments together. And though God is now calling the faith leader elsewhere… we can trust that God never leaves our side.
This time of transition is not easy.
Saying goodbye to someone we love absolutely sucks.
And though distance has now become part of the equation… the love shared over the years will always remain.
[Photo Credit: Xavi Cabrera on Unsplash]
