With this entry I'd like to expand a bit on my writings about “Family” within my experience of Search and Call process in the United Church of Christ. And I fully recognize that this particular topic may not speak to everyone’s experience… I only write of my own.
A bit of backstory first. When Peter and I were early in our courting stage (LOL, I just wanted to use the word “courting”), I recall telling him that he does not want to be the spouse of a pastor. This was, in a way, my attempt at sparing him from the many challenges that come with being the spouse of a pastor.
Fast forward to today… Peter is THE BEST spouse any pastor could ever have. And sorry, everyone… he’s mine!
On a foundational level, the reason I was hesitant for Peter to enter this role was that I knew a bit about how spouses of pastors have been viewed (and treated) in churches.
Now, historically many of the spouses were women as the majority of pastors were men. And thank God that has changed! And historically, many wives of pastors would land in particular roles within the church… Sunday school teacher, piano player, or the ones who always head up the various social gatherings where lady fingers and finger sandwiches were served.
Within our experience in Search and Call throughout our years together, a troubling aspect of being spouse to a pastor is that when I was being interviewed… Peter was as well. Now, this wasn’t an official interview, of course. Search committees weren't asking Peter to talk about his Christology or theology of atonement.
However, (and Peter has articulated this so incredibly well over the years…) much of what a pastor’s spouse/partner says and does becomes a direct reflection upon the pastor themselves.
Let me repeat that… Much of what a pastor’s spouse/partner says and does becomes a direct reflection upon the pastor themselves.
Now, we may not like that fact… and yet, hearing from other married/partnered clergy, it’s a fact in so many settings. And it’s a fact I learned long before entering seminary and meeting Peter… A fact that he and I, and many others, are keenly aware of to this day.
There’s something about some faith communities’ inability to separate the spouse or partner from the pastor that is both deeply puzzling and not, at the same time. And I would suggest that it is not healthy.
When interviewing a candidate as potential pastor for a faith community, all involved are doing the important work of discernment. Pastors and search committees alike are listening intently (hopefully) for the voice of our still-speaking God to guide them in the process. And, when it seems that God has brought the two together… pastoral leaders and faith community… wonderful things can be accomplished.
And yet, I can also understand from the perspective of those doing the interviewing that though they may feel that God is calling a particular candidate to be their next pastoral leader, if that candidate’s spouse or partner is a total “piece of work,” there may be reason for pause.
And yet… there's also room for grace. If the committee is certain that God has a role in the bringing together of community and leader, the spouse or partner should not enter into the equation… in my opinion.
Now, I have been very blessed each time that I have navigated Search and Call in that I have an incredible spouse who “gets it” when it comes to church politics. He, and I’m sure many other spouses, understand the unwritten rule that the words and actions (or inactions) of the spouse reflect directly upon the ministry of the pastor. And that, perhaps, is a great opportunity for growth within each and every faith community.
What might it be like if faith communities, not just search committees, had conversations about this? What might it be like if it were named within the process that the church is calling a pastor… not a pastor and their spouse/partner… not a pastor and their family?
I believe that a pastor’s spouse doesn’t even need to be a member of the church from which the pastor is serving.
I believe that a pastor’s spouse doesn’t need to serve on any teams or committees or boards… officially or unofficially (I’m looking at you, lady finger enthusiasts).
I believe that a pastor’s spouse doesn’t need to attend worship, doesn’t need to participate in ministries, doesn’t need to form connections or relationships within the community from which the pastor is serving.
I believe the pastor and their spouse or partner to be separate. And I believe our faith communities can eventually learn this as well... and know that some already have.
Now, all of that said… I love my spouse immensely. And I love when he is involved in the ministry to which I am called. And… I also am appreciative of the many ways that he is a supportive role in my life and ministry with or without involvement in those things.
Another challenge for those in relationship with pastors during the Search and Call process is how the curtain is pulled back and they're are able to see people in the church at both their best and their worst. Spouses and partners of pastors are witness to the ways that pastors are welcomed, supported, appreciated and utterly abused by faith communities.
They are the ones there when the pastor receives their seventh rejection form letter; “We have prayerfully and carefully… blah, blah, blah.”
They are the ones there when the pastor deeply grieves over a search committee’s lack of transparency or commitment to the search process.
They are the ones there when the pastor’s “dream church” says no. (I paused here to think if I've ever applied to what I would consider a “dream church” and I’m not really sure what that even is, especially when trying to remain open to the process of God’s work in the midst of it all.)
Spouses and/or partners of pastors are the ones there to celebrate the new beginnings, to watch as ministry unfolds, to offer a shoulder of support when times get tough, when funerals keep coming, when people ghost the church, when trust is betrayed, when anxiety is high, when faith communities struggle and when God leads them someplace new.
Spouses and partners play a significant role in the ministry of a pastor... a role best determined within their relationship and not by the community being served.
After re-reading this very long entry (and thank you all for hanging in there), I guess there are two audiences being address in this post… those in faith communities engaging in ministry with married/partnered pastors… and the spouses/partners themselves.
Perhaps we can get to a point where the spouses are no longer being interviewed… as well as a point where more spouses understand that they are.
I’m curious… what have been your experiences?
(One last thing... I celebrate that a handful of times, in all of my years navigating Search and Call, I was asked if my spouse/partner would be attending church. That told me that those search committees "got it.")
[Photo Credit: Xavi Cabrera on Unsplash]
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